Well what can I say, when it rains it pours, but i guess this is a passing shower. Apart from me having kidney stones last week and still in pain, which they are looking into my gallbladder now. Meds are my BFF to go to work and get some relief.
We went to CT to my parents this weekend. To start off, my sister announced (with my help of course) to our parents she is in her 2nd trimester with a lil baby girl from her current BF. Shocked, stunned and a bit confused tears went around and then words of support and kindness (which i was SHOCKED) being that my parents are soooo traditional but i guess i broke the ice on that with Surrogacy, ha!
In the mist of that it has only been a few days of the passing of their pup and more tears and depression filled the room. There is a void there no one can fill with words. My brother just chooses not to talk about it. In time.
To add to the mix, my paternal grandmother is out of the hospital and in the current care of my aunt (God Bless a large family). She is not really mobile from that last time I saw her, she's mainly in bed and chats a bit but nothing serious. She did tell me to put my hair in a ponytail (she hates when your hair is down, or if you have LARGE hoop earrings, low cut tops, short shorts...she thinks we're still 5ys old..lol). I was just so sad and it was very hard on me to see her that way, she'll be 92 in October. The reason being she is the matriarch, she hold this VERY large family together and without her everyone really looses touch and that close knit family we once had.
After leaving her in great care, we went back to my parents and had dinner ready to hit the road when my parents sat me down gave me my gift (a necklace of a butterfly from Guyana my dad bought for me while there a few weeks back)...and spoke to me about trying again. My mother said not to be scared and they know its hard for me but they are 100% behind me. Tears flowed again and discussion of my stones and pains rolled in as well. I needed that support because I don't get to see my parents often and miss that parental "sit-downs" (not as a teen because those were not so good, LOL). So my mom has given me what I need to get back into the swing of things, but my MOST BIGGEST FEAR is letting them down again. This will be my 4th try....4th!!! Money is no longer there and the 3rd try was my last cycle with my own eggs so the 4th is with ED. We are perfectly fine with ED, we were just going down the list of options.
I PRAY THIS 4th ATTEMPT IS IT!! (cycled on my own 4x's already gosh). My mom did tell me prayer is everything but i did loose my faith a bit back now have to believe again. Please GOD let this be it. I am more than ready to be a Mommy!
7 comments:
Oh my dear I so remember that pain. With the first and second and ... posts of our negatives. I hated to tell the world I failed after so much support and well wishes. If you didn't feel this way, it wouldn't be normal. I think of you always and have been talking with the Docs while here in Mumbai about how special you are. We all say little prayers for you often we ALL want this for you SO much. I believe your time is near and I am leaving some very special baby dust especially for you here in India. big hugs.
Like your mm, I believe in the power of prayer too. That's why I pray for you every day.
I hope you find some peace and tranquility in the next few days. It sounds like your family has so much going on right now!
My mom has also given me the "pray harder" talk over the last week and I must admit that I lost it a bit with her because sometimes she just doesn't seem to get it really. I believe in God and that there is a plan. However, my conversations with Him about the plan are a bit tense at this point. One day this journey will be a memory and I hope it's a good one.
So, so know how you feel and thinking positive thoughts and saying a prayer for you. Hang in there.
Thanks for the mention of our poor little Peeky. Whenever that 4th attempt will be you know WE are all pulling for you, prayers will be said and my breath will be held until I hear the news.
If prayer helps, then pray! If wine helps, then drink. There is no right or wrong.
Mandy, we had two negatives and two positives. Im sending whatever vibes your way that I can. It will happen for you. Never give up!
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